A Woman giving birth

I'm scared. My suicide thoughts were getting worst. I knew it wasn't me thinking of such things to want to kill myself because they had came out of nowhere. I was walking by myself down the sidewalk to go to Loodles, and there's quite bit of traffic passing by. And out of nowhere I get a voice that said, "Katy, just jump. Just go out in front of the cars. It won't hurt; it'll be a quick pain. It won't hurt as bad as the pain you've been in." I knew immediately that it was Satan, I even told myself, "Wow, that was a loud voice that definitely wasn't me who thought that." The one thing that kept me from jumping out in front of the traffic was the thought of not wanting to put any of my friends and family member in that pain and situation that I had been in with my best friend "little sister" who committed suicide. Also, I didn't want to give Ellerslie a bad reputation. I go to Loodles and I see a group of Ellerslie students hanging out and drinking their lattes and chai. Thank God they were there so that someone was able to drive me back, because I knew it wouldn't have been a grande idea to walk back to the campus by myself. I get back on the campus and I tried to wipe off the mess and I was trying to forget what just happened by turning to facebook and other social networks I had (which are now deleted). I was typing away at my laptop in the computer room when I suddenly had to use the restroom. I get up and ran to where there was the nearest restroom and as I was heading to open the door, one of the Ellerslie girls (student) name Teressa met me. We started to talk and it got on to the topic of what we did today and how our walk with the Lord was. Out of nowhere I started to pour out my emotions and what was happening to me. As we shared and listened to each other she said she would have the men at Ellerslie pray over me that night if I wanted it. Of course I wanted the prayers but not at that moment, because I didn't want to bother anyone. So I figured we wait till the morning.

"Sandi, I need help. I need major prayer, I'm not doing well," is what I told Sandi, one of the Ellerslie's staff, on Friday morning June 18. It was during worship time and I had felt so confused and had heavy burdens that I was carrying. It was beyond imaginable what took place that morning for me, to sum it up, freedom took place.

"Ok, we'll figure something out after worship is over, why not go back to your seat because now wouldn't be the best time to announce that you need prayer." Was what Sandi told me. "Right, I know. I just really had to tell you that I need help from the entire body of Christ, because it has gotten worst." I responded.

Before I came to Ellerslie I was in a very dark place, my dad was just diagnosed with throat cancer and my best friend, "little sister" committed suicide. I was deeply hurt and confused with thoughts of committing suicide myself because of what all was happening at once. To this day when I look back at the times of Ellerslie I see complete darkness as if it were a nightmare that I now finally woke up from.

I walked back to my seat with a confused expression on my face because it was huge for me to have gone up to Sandi to bother her with my problems.As I took my seat I drew a picture in my journal till worship would be over, I just wasn't into worship that morning. What I drew was something not pleasant, because I had heard voices just the day before to jump out in front of traffic. As I sat in my seat, in the back row, I saw from the corner of my eye Sandi talking to Eric. For some reason I wasn't expecting that because I new she was telling him about my needs. I remember feeling very nervous while I was sitting waiting anxiously for worship to be over, because I was ready. Worship was finally over and Eric went up to the microphone. He paused with a sort of expression on his face and started to pace in front of everyone. He began to pray about what God would bring for that day. When he said amen, he looked up and looked at everyone and asked who needed prayer. Of course I raised my hand, but so did a few others, which comforted me to know I wasn't the only one in need of everyone's prayers. "Alright, Katy how about you be the first we pray for, since what you told Sandi. Will you please share with everyone what's going on?" Eric said. I don't know what came over me, but I just poured out everything with what was going on in me. "K, how about we do this, let's get 3 men and 3 women and let's go back to Annie's office. While we are going through this process with Katy, everyone else in here should really fight and pray." We went into Annie's office, and the battle began. In there with me was Eric, James, Ben, David, Leah, Kourtney, Camille, and Annie. I don't know if I can go into much detail besides the basics of what had happened in that room. I remember us starting out in prayer and as I was speaking out things that were going on with me, Eric was telling me to rebuke Satan and give authority to Jesus Christ. I fell to my knees, because I wanted it badly, I wanted Jesus to come in and renew me, to light the fire within my soul and take out the darkness that once was in me. Soon after falling on my knees I fell backwards as Camille caught me. i was in a position where Camille was holding my back up. I remember James covering my tattoo that's on my right foot because he told me that he had a dream about it (I'm guessing it wasn't a good one of that symbol to be in his dream?) During all this I was pleading that Jesus Christ would come in our presence (which He very much was) but I was seeking for Him to do even deeper things in our presence. I was claiming Jesus Christ to take authority in the areas where I had the enemy take a foothold on. Within the minutes I felt a sort of peace pour out over me. I still had the uncertainty if everything that was darkened in me was gone, but my brothers and sisters in Christ assured me. I remember Gabi (one of the students) walking in with a verse that God had put on her heart to share with me, it was Psalm 91, and it was in perfect timing (God's timing). A couple of moments afterwards, after all things took place and the room had settled down, Kourtney had a verse that fitted perfect in its timing (again, God's timing), it was John 16:21, "A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world." It was great because I was thinking right before she shared that verse, the position I was in and the things that was going on had felt like giving birth to a child (though I never been in labor before) it was in relation to what I was conceiving: Freedom, Jesus Christ, a new born, a new Katy into this world. It was a painful and hard process but out came a beautiful beginning of something. Praise the Lord Jesus! It had ended and Eric walked out of the room shouting, "VICTORY!" Everyone clapped and was so joyful, especially the ones right outside the door that were praying and was eager to see m have victory. I was absolutely joyful and at peace, and when I came out of that room a good bunch was crying with tears of joy and all gave me hugs. "Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you," was all that came out to each one I hugged because I knew without their prayers my victory in Jesus Christ would have probably been a longer wait and wouldn't have even happened that day. VICTORY! VICTORY IN JESUS CHRIST MY SAVIOR! amen! :)

The Ball in the Tree

I came across a letter from someone who sent me, close to the time after Cheyenne's death. It spoke to me then and still speaks to me and I would like to share what this Godly woman wrote to me...

"God likes to send me little true-life illustrations to clarify things—in fact, I’m on my second journal full of them! (Maybe He thinks I need the extra help…) I was eating lunch at school last week, struggling with how to explain my thoughts to you, when the answer unfolded before my eyes right there on the playground. One of the aids was trying to retrieve a playground ball that had gotten stuck in a tree. She had a long pole in her hands, and was jumping up in an attempt to reach the ball. An adorable little girl was really wrapped up in the situation, and was jumping right alongside her! Each time the aid jumped, so did the girl! Even though it did nothing whatsoever to get the ball out of the tree, this child was giving it everything she had. Suddenly, it all seemed so clear: we are not responsible for the outcome of another person’s spiritual journey, and I for one am grateful not to have to carry that burden! We are called to journey alongside others. Sometimes, it is a terrific season filled with blessings; other times, it is a difficult path that ends in despair. But in the end, each person has their time with the pole in their hands (the calling of the Holy Spirit), trying to get to the treasure (hope, joy, and peace) that is stuck in the tree (the troubles of this life). The bottom line is this: We can’t reach it for them; we can only be beside them, jumping for all it’s worth!!!... A pastor once spoke of how our lives on this earth were like the multicolored, knotted, messy, seemingly random threads on the back of a tapestry. At the end of time, God will turn it over for us and allow us to see the beautiful work of art that was created though all the things we didn’t understand. Amen!"

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